Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
