i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
