Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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