I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
