I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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