Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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