I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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