Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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