Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
