I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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