Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
