based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
