And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
