Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
