I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
