My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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