She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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