I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
