The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
