Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
