3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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