Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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