my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
