surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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