the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
