Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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