It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
