shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
