Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
