I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
