Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
