I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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