I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
