I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
