Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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