I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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