that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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