my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
