you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
