all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So many bounce houses so little time
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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