Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
