foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
