How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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