sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
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My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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