i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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