He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
