Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
