just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
