I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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