I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
two words: eviction party
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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