Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
