my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
