Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
