turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
