You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
